sympathy is a knife (and other things stuck in my head)

like glue!

charli xcx released an album i can’t unthink of. this is supposed to be a review series, and while i’d love to do a full review of brat (it is coming, trust), i can’t get sympathy is a knife out of my head. i have to write about it because i’m not quite sure what else to do.

i feel Gross when i listen to this song. vulnerable in the worst ways, as though someone’s just seen me do something viciously embarrassing. it’s that white-hot, mortifying, crawl out of my skin, you’re in class and you’ve said the wrong thing and everyone’s looking at you weird and you can feel the pinpricks of tears welling behind your eyes type of shame. it’s a tiny part of yourself indulging in the knowledge that giving into this spiral of thought could feel really good. that sometimes it feels better to let yourself Be Really Unwell. and it’s awful!!! you want to escape from the cage you have the keys to, but it’s oh so comfortable in there.

the song is an anthem for almost-girls raised on tumblr with a history of complex mental illness, a tendency to self-immolate and idolize martyrdom, a confusing and complicated relationship to both food and gender, sometimes simultaneously, who are eternally anxious and supremely out of place. it’s a club banger for people who bathe (or drown, depending on how you look at it,) in the discomfort of Being.

she says, “i feel all these feelings i can’t control” and yes, charli, i do feel all these things i can’t control nor comprehend. and rather than dealing with them, i emotionally flay myself before an audience, simultaneously hoping for and thoroughly rejecting a sympathetic response of any kind. years and years of therapy put on the backburner for what? because i’m uncomfortable? because i’m so sad i stay up watching the screen until my brother responds so i remember who i’d be leaving behind? because i, god forbid, can’t reach out to a friend for help but i sure as hell can post (not-so) cryptically about it on social media only to wake up and experience sober hanxiety from a depressive episode? i fuel myself with the absurdity of my self-imposed demands, and i am here doing it AGAIN! and i am hating it as i’m typing it! charli has put to words the disgusting and infuriating cycle i have previously only been able to wallow in. this song sparked within me the compulsion—because it’s exactly that, this drive to write. the words itch under my skin until i let them up and out. it’s almost mindless—kind of like vomiting. you don’t realize you’ve been nauseous all your life until it happens.

so, sympathy is the knife i twist inside myself. a public display, a martyrdom up on the cross. i need to be seen and i hate it! i am insecure and i need you and your comfort and your help, and i hate that i need it but i need you to see that i need you! and i hate that too!!!

this song entertains all of my worst daydreams full of gore and evisceration. because why am i spending more than a few minutes on the “how much does it cost to be institutionalized” google page? why am i rewatching succession so i can finally cry until it feels like i’ve bruised my lower lids for something other than myself? why am i forcing myself to stay up until my roommate comes back home at two in the morning so i can guarantee i’ll wake up breathing tomorrow?

but it’s chic! wait, don’t get nervous for me, it’s fine! in fact, it’s actually in style now, haven’t you heard? i’ll write it sardonically on my substack or hide it behind layers of distortion and autotune in a poppy club hit so you don’t actually take it that seriously! because i don’t Really want your reassurances, or worse, your sympathy. thanks, charli. love u longtime.

sympathy is a knife by charli xcx. a circular, tearful 5/5.